Oh wow, guys. I’m so sorry. Somehow, three months have happened. I’m not going to lie and say I lost track of time/didn’t have time/life’s just been too much of a whirlwind, because none of that is true. I’ve thought about writing this at least 100 times and just keep putting it off. So that’s the moral of today’s story. (aw yeah. segue game on point.)
I’m sure I’m disappointing at least half of the people I’m writing these things for by continuing to write about my mental and emotional experiences as opposed to, I don’t know, my actual European adventures? I can try to mix it up, because, rest assured, I have been having many adventures.
Since my last blog entry, to summarize, I passed my exams, turned 24, completed a 6-week outpatient placement, and travelled to Poland, OHIO, Northern Ireland, Germany, Ireland, West/Northern Scotland, Italy, Germany again, the Netherlands, Germany again, and Switzerland. If you’re unsure of recurring themes in my travels, I’m terribly fond of Germany.
I got back 3 weeks ago, and in those three weeks I have booked and planned trips to London, Germany J, OHIO, and San Francisco to tide me over for the next 5 months.
Let me not discredit the awesomeness of all this travelling. IT IS AMAZING and I’m completely unsure how I ended up in a position where I’m able to do these things. Exploring the world is a constant delight, and so many of my summer adventures took me to new places with old friends.
However, there’s also the vast majority of my waking hours where I’m in Scotland, living daily life as a student and musician (let me tell you, there are some exciting updates on that front and they will make an appearance soon!). As mentioned somewhere in the prior writings on this blog, I had a bit of a reputation at home for being the person who couldn’t stay in the same state for more than a month. Now that I’m here, I’ve become the person who can’t stay in the same country. Part of me really expected this wanderlust mentality to be satiated by the experience of, I don’t know, moving to Europe and living in a completely new and exciting country? But nope. I sit in class and search flight prices, I haven’t written on here since May, and I’ve still only uploaded what, 12 pictures since I’ve moved here? (Instagram notwithstanding.) And the list of unaccomplished tasks goes on and on. My summer wanderings ended with an incredible weekend camping experience at a Gentlemen of the Road stopover festival in the Highlands. (brief history: Mumford and Sons -consistently one of my most favorite bands- organizes these festivals in small towns with unique character, then they bring in 2 days of artists and vendors and throw a very locally-influenced party headlined by themselves. It’s delightful.) Mumford is my go-to playlist for philosophical moods and re-centering myself, so that - times 1000 - is what I experience at their concerts. One of my absolute favorites of theirs is a song called “Hopeless Wanderer”, which is not as depressing of a concept as it sounds. It very much embodies my experiences of constantly living for the next adventure, and failing to find contentment and purpose in the here and now of daily living.
That, plus a reevaluation of my budgeting situation, has prompted a pretty hefty self-examination. I came home that Sunday to some alarmingly well-placed readings at Mass about living with purpose and abandoning old habits. My life, my actual life that takes place between the adventures, is not making a whole lot of progress. I plan and I schedule and I tell myself this time, I’ll really become a productive person, and then I let myself get pulled into the hundreds of destination options for my next long weekend. Before I accidentally blow things out of proportion, don’t worry. I’m not feeling lost or useless or unsure of my decisions to be here, etc. I just know that I could be doing so, so much more with myself, and I’m not, and that’s really stupid. I’ve been trying to be more useful in my daily life for at least 3 years, probably closer to 10. It usually consists of realizing there’s a big problem, thinking about all the great productive ways I’m going to change myself, and then looking back a year later and finding that nothing has changed. I’m having way too many experiences and adventures to be growing so little.
The weekend wanderer seems like such a romantic concept, but it’s an incredibly selfish way to live. Honestly… prioritizing travelling over being a responsible student, stripped down to fundamentals, is very much saying “I value my life experience over the quality of care that I will one day provide to real, suffering people.” That’s not the person that I want to be. This doesn’t mean I ever want to stop travelling – the travelling in itself is still amazing. I just might need to rethink some priorities. So… here’s to slowly, tediously learning to love the skies I’m under. I promise it’ll be less than 3 months before you hear from me again.
Message me, set up a skype date, and most importantly, beloved Ohioans, clear your calendars for December 28 – January 8 because this girl will be home for (the week and a half directly after) Christmas.
<3 Meechl
